• Amaterasu •

Kyrose · Mon Jul 16, 2007 12:18 pm Joke for the Day!

Hey, we all need a good laugh sometimes, right? Why not start now!

Well, this'll be a bit long... but might be found funny nevertheless. Not my stories, mind you.

HELP DESK HORROR

These are stories from help desks around the country. At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor's. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

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One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

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Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

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Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer "No..."

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Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

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Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A: \ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

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At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar. . ."

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And the best for last!!!!

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

J~F · Tue Jul 17, 2007 3:22 pm

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the mo ney on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

======================================

There were three friends Chris, John
and Keith, who decided one sunny day
to go for a walk in the forest. After
a while they realized that they were
lost. And before they knew it they
were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told them that the only
way they could survive from the
cannibals was to pass the trial. The
frist step of the trial was to go into
the forest with the cannibals and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So they thought that was easy enough,
and all three friends went their
separate ways to gather fruits.

Chris came back first and said to the
king. " I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the next part
of the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any
expression on your face or you will be
eaten. The first apple went in... but
on the second one he screamed out with
pain, so he was killed and went to
heaven.

Then John arrived and shows the king
his ten fruits which were berries.
When the king explained the trial to
him, he thought to himself that this
should be a piece of cake.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on
the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter, therfore he was also killed.

After a while Chris and John met in
heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why
did you laugh?, you almost got away
with it!"

Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't
help it. I was doing fine when all of
a sudden Keith showed up with all
those watermelons!"

====================================

A teacher asks her class, "If there
are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be
left?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly
away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct
answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little Johhny says, "I have a
question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting
off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal,
replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked
the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The
correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your
thinking."

======================

At school Little Johnny was told by a
classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that
this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole
truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and
try it out. He goes home, and as he is
greeted by his mother he says, "I know
the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and
says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his
father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole
truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and
says, "Please don't say a word to your
mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to
school the next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know
the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the
mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then
come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

===========================

Three guys died and when St. Peter met
them at the pearly gates, he said, "I
know that you guys are forgiven
because you're here. Before I let you
into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. You have to have a car in
Heaven because Heaven is so big. What
kind of car you get will depend on
your answer."

The first guy walked up and St. Peter
asked him, "How long were you
married?" He answered, "24
years." "Did you ever cheat on your
wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy
said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said
I was forgiven." St. Peter
said, "Yeah, but that's not too good.
Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walked up and got the
same question from St. Peter. He
answered, "I was married for 41 years
and cheated on her once, but that was
our first year and we really worked it
out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to
hear that. Here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "St.
Peter, I know what you're going to
ask. I was married for 63 years and
didn't even look at another woman! I
treated my wife like a queen!" St.
Peter said, "That's what I like to
hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with
the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy
with the Jaguar, crying on the golden
sidewalk. When they asked him what was
wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife.
She was on a skateboard!"

=============================

A wife and her husband were having a
dinner party for all the major status
figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was
very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very
last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for this dinner
party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket she
was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the
door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting the
snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a
little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be
great if she would even just come down
and talk to me." He went back to
gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the
beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They got to talking, and she
invited him back to her place. They
were at her apartment a ways down the
beach, and they started messing
around. It got so hot and heavy, that
he was exhausted afterwards and passed
out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he
woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My
wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered
all his clothes, put them on real
fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out
the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to
his apartment. He ran up the stairs of
his apartment. He was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the
stairs, he dropped the bucket of
snails. There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then,
with a very angry wife standing in the
door way wondering where he's been all
this time. He looked at the snails all
down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and
said: "Come on guys, we're almost
there!"

====================================

The wife comes home early and finds
her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young
lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful
pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me, the faithful wife, the
mother of your children! I'm leaving
this house; I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a
minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."

"Hmmmmmm, I don't know... Well, it'll
be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful
pig!"

The husband begins to tell his
story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her
so defenseless that I went ahead and
allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well-dressed,
and very dirty. She mentioned that she
had not eaten for 3 days. With great
compassion and hurt, I brought her
home and warmed up the enchiladas that
I made for you last night, the ones
you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll gain weight; the poor thing
practically devours them. Since she
was very dirty I asked her to take a
shower. While she was showering, I
noticed her clothes were dirty and
full of holes, so I threw them away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her
the pair of jeans that you have had
for a few years, that you can no
longer wear because they are too tight
on you. I also gave her the blouse
that I gave you on our anniversary,
the one you don't wear because I don't
have good taste. I gave her the
pullover that my sister gave you for
Christmas, the one you refuse to wear
just to bother my sister; and I also
gave her the boots that you bought at
the expensive boutique that you never
wore again after you saw your co-
worker wearing the same pair." The
husband continues his story . . . "The
young woman was very grateful to me
and I walked her to the door, at which
point she turned around, and with
tears coming out of her eyes, she asks
me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that
your wife does not use?"

PS: Those arent my story either =)
Juz sharing

Chills · Wed Jul 18, 2007 12:27 am

What most peaple usually say before dying.

"See? It wasn't so hard."

"Just one step closer, come on!"

"I got! I got it!"

"See? It's unloaded!"

"This... damn... lighter... won't...!!"

"Maria? You came home so soon!"

"Dante, you suck balls."

"Excuse me, what was your name again?"

"Try harder, come on."

"Mr. Sorry to say this, but it won't fit."

"And you forgot I'm on bike?"

"Piece of cake."

"Fly...! ... I said FLY dammit!!"

"Look closer if you may. Do you think I'm lying?"

"I like Tetris!"